(Originally printed in OC WEEKLY, Thursday, January 26, 2006)
How good are you at identifying your power-mad, sociopathic, repressed, catchphrase-spawning, lipless Republican laugh riots? In the following quiz, you’ll be presented with quotes from George W. Bush, M*A*S*H’s Frank Burns and The Simpsons’ Montgomery Burns. (Hint: the cartoon is the smart one.)
(1) Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a New Mexico?
(2) So, what state is Wales in?
(3) If you’re like me, you won’t remember everything you did here. That can be a good thing.
(4) I don’t think you appreciate the true nature of our situation, um, gravity-wise speaking.
(5) I want to thank you for taking time out of your day to witness my hanging.
(6) The only ship worth a damn is friendship.
(7) You can fool some of the people all of the time, and those are the ones you have to concentrate on.
(8) I think you will all agree that by trying to introduce more discipline, more order, I have hopefully made this a more enjoyable war for all of us.
(9) I want you to know the office is always bigger than the person.
(10) It is pointless to make the rich pay their fair share of taxes because the really rich people figure out how to dodge taxes anyway.
(11) The future? We’ll all be dead!
(12) What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man?
(13) I’ve always felt people volunteer better by force.
(14) Mankind has always dreamed of destroying the sun.
(15) For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three nonfatal shootings . . . and folks, this is unacceptable in America!
(16) Some people have too much freedom.
(17) The watchdog of public safety . . . is there any lower form of life?
(18) I can only speak to myself.
(19) There are no friends in wartime.
(20) I am a pit bull on the pantleg of opportunity.
(21) We need an energy bill that encourages consumption!
(22) Intelligence is something I try to avoid.
(23) These are open forums—you’re able to come and listen to what I have to say.
(24) If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, it’s your duty as an American to do it.
(25) See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.
(26) We will export death and violence to the four corners of the earth.
(27) The thought of commendation never entered my mind [regarding] this terrible but human mistake made by a few of our own brutal but well-meaning fighting men.
(28) In a changing world, we want more people to have control over your own life.
(29) Oppression and harassment are a small price to pay to live in the land of the free.
(30) I hope you leave here and walk out and say, “What did he say?”
Answers: (1) MB (2) GWB, in conversation with Welsh singer Charlotte Church (3) GWB (4) FB (5) GWB, at the unveiling of his portrait (6) MB (7) GWB (8) FB (9) GWB (10) GWB (11) GWB (12) MB (13) FB (14) MB (15) GWB (16) GWB (17) MB (18) GWB (19) FB (20) GWB (21) GWB (22) FB (23) GWB (24) MB (25) GWB (26) GWB (27) FB (28) GWB (29) MB (30) GWB